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We the Crabs


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#1 OFFLINE Canary4life

    What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

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CHAPTER 1: Humble Beginnings

There I sat in my apartment, head pounding from a night of celebrations. I had just led a young troupe of lads, Taverham U15s, to success at the West Norwich Trophy tournament. Sure, they may be a bunch of 14 and 15 year old kids, but they sure know how to party. One particular lad, nicknamed Bingo, and his older brother provided the entire group with alcoholic beverages. Yum.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have allowed children under my tutelage to get hammered, but whatcha gonna do? Well, actually, Bingo's parents are looking to press charges. That's what they're gonna do. Not everybody enjoys being woken up to the sound of angry mums and dads announcing over the phone that they've reported me to the fuzz.

While I was fearing for the worst, my mobile began to buzz again. Over the line was a representative of newly-promoted Cromer Wanderers, apparently eager to sign me up for their vacant manager's role. Without hesitating, I threw them a "Hell yeah!" and we agreed to meet for an interview.
Whilst there, I discovered that I wasn't a first choice, I was actually a plan B. Err, actually, scratch that, a plan H. They had approached seven other gentlemen who had all turned them down for one reason or another; "I'm not happy with the offered wages", "My family don't want to move", "I'm the manager of Manchester United", the usual stuff.

I didn't care that I was basically a last resort, I was just happy to have a decent paying job. Yeah, that's right, I was hired. Oosh. Yeah. Watch out José, there's a new manager in town and his name is...



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#2 OFFLINE Jackk!

    Plymouth are shite!

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the Steve Kean Theatre Complex?

Nice.

#3 OFFLINE Cupid Stunt

    Done in the best possible taste

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Probably where Steve Kean should be managing...

Looking forward to this story, good luck!

#4 OFFLINE Canary4life

    What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

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Thanks for the comments. :D


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CHAPTER 2: First Steps

I hit the training pitch early in the morning, still a scent of coffee on my lips. It was rather chilly, no doubt due to the fact it's early hours, but the forecast predicts that it'll heat up later. So, it was here I got to meet the team for the first time. I had already held a conference last night with my small scattering of staff as we underlined our plans for the season.

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Instantly, I was greeted by one of the players. On his arm was a makeshift captain's band, made simply out of black and white tape layered over one another. He extended his hand, speaking out in a gruff Norfolk accent.






Jay: Yer roight, gaffer? Nice te' meet yer, I'm Jay.

Me: Ah, hey Jay. I take it you're the captain of the team?

Jay: Ye' bro. Wear te' ban' wit' pride.

The training session just turned out to be me talking to each player individually to find out their strengths and weaknesses, before it culminated it a match between the usual first team squad and the reserves.



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One young lad came up to me prior to the match, said his name's Evren Coskun. Only 16 years old and he's already the "stand-in" keeper. He seemed nice enough, said his pleases and his thank you's. His parents raised him right, teaching him all these good manners. Turns out he's actually sort of a Turk. He was born in Turkey, his father's a proud native of the country and young Evren lived there until the age of 10.

We had a good old discussion about the team, facilities and the like. In fact, if it had anything to do with Cromer Wanderers, you can bet that we talked about it at one point. We had to cut our conversation short as it was time for the match, in which he was the reserve's goalie.

In the afternoon, the chairman rang me up to tell me I had a press conference to attend down at the stadium. I was as giddy as a school girl, I had never once been interviewed in the news before. Well, except that one time that I nearly died in a taxi accident. Turns out the driver was as drunk as Robert Downey Jr. and as high as Charlie Sheen; he nearly drove us off the Britannia Pier at Great Yarmouth! Bloody maniac.



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After that was all settled, I drove to my cramped apartment and switched on the TV. Can't miss the soaps. Tomorrow, we'll begin preparation for our pre-season matches.


Edited by Canary4life, 06 February 2012 - 04:35 PM.


#5 OFFLINE Cupid Stunt

    Done in the best possible taste

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Nice transfer budget for the BSS :gluk:

#6 OFFLINE Canary4life

    What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

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I gave the team £1m in total money. I wouldn't have thought that I'd get £248k budget, but hey, there you go.

#7 OFFLINE Cupid Stunt

    Done in the best possible taste

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Well £1mill is rich for a BSS team! ;)

#8 OFFLINE Canary4life

    What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

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CHAPTER 3: Friendlies

I set off for the stadium just before noon, ready to meet the lads ahead of our second pre-season friendly. We hosted League 2 outfit Oxford United, a team who were expected to batter us even though the contest is only a run-out.

Already waiting at the doors were captain Jay Hughes, a couple of my coaches and the kitman, Filby. He was actually a player for the team before severely damaging his knee a few years ago. He's a big man, actually more of a kid; He's only 25. Man does he wish he paid more attention at school, because besides being the kitman, he's also a cashier at McDonald's and apparently occasionally works as the driver in get-away vans during robberies. Don't tell anyone I told you.

The rest of the team filed in over time, and once everybody had arrived, we made our way to the changing rooms. I told them all that they shouldn't feel pressurised into getting a result, as the whole purpose of this match is mainly just to assess fitness and the like. They all nodded their heads and set out onto the pitch, where we were greeted by the travelling Oxford players.

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I was damn chuffed with the guys with how they played, even though I was really only looking to see how fit they were. It could have really gone either way, and we did miss a few great chances. We could have lasted right until the final whistle, but a late goal which stunned literally everybody laid the match to rest. Luckily, none of us took the result badly, with many players feeling delighted with their performance.

Later that night, I managed to complete my first signing for Cromer. It's something that had been in the works since before I came here, but initially seemed on the rocks. The caretaker had seemed unwilling to give him a full-time contract, and it seemed like the transfer wouldn't go through at all. Luckily, I came in with different ideas, and completed the paperwork with him. All I needed was confirmation, which I got when I got home.

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After he became an official Crab, I received an invite via fax to something called an "England Trial Day". Apparently, young players who had failed to win a contract at their parent club are gathered up and thrown into a temporary team in hope that a manager out there will snap them up. After a quick Google search of the players, I accepted the invitation and marked the match on my calender.

After attending the match, which ended 1-0 in favour of the England Trialists playing in navy, I approached one youngster who had particularly impressed me. Jake Marsh is what people call him, but I quickly branded him Marshy.
Anyway, I talked to him for a little bit about his career prospects and whether he'd like to join a club like Cromer, one who's looking to build and establish himself. He seemed a little unsure, so I didn't immediately smack a contract underneath him. No, I kindly offered him a two-week test run, just to see if he can settle in amongst the players. This he seemed to be more open to, and he agreed with little hesitance.

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The rest of the day was largely uneventful, with many of the older team members going out for a drink at the local pub. I told Hughes to stop any of them from getting too rowdy, with the Lydney Town match the day after. He assured me that none of the guys would be a problem, and after that, I packed it in for the night. Y'know, after catching up with the new 'Two and a Half Men' episodes that I had yet to see. I can't believe what happened to Charlie! Sad news, bro. Sad news.

So, next morning, we all turned up for the match with relatively no problems. Bert had a hangover and Jonny still had etching of permanent marker on his face (drawn on penises are apparently funny to mid-20s men). Regardless, we went to the changing rooms again and pretty much did the same old routine. This time, it's more of a "No need to over-exert yourself, we can smash these guys any day of the week" kind of thing. Still, I'm just looking at the player's fitness and everything.

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Sure, a 3-0 victory is a good result, but in all truth we were lucky not to concede at all. They had spells where they looked certain to smash the ball in, and really their only troubles were their shaky defence. I didn't erupt at the team after the match, because I wasn't looking for a cricket scoreline, a basketball scoreline or even a rugby scoreline. I was looking for players who deserved a spot in the team, one's who looked like they can keep a good condition for the entire season.

I think I've nearly formulated a good first 11 for the upcoming season, with only a couple more friendlies to really establish it completely.


Edited by Canary4life, 08 February 2012 - 06:03 PM.


#9 OFFLINE Canary4life

    What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

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CHAPTER 4: Let's Get It On!

Despite pre-season nearly finished, I still have yet to mark down a solid starting squad. With a couple more signings in the pipeline, these final two matches will be crucial for determining the final first team.

One night, I was racking my brains thinking of players who should be regulars. Should Hughes be? He is the captain after all. Maybe Joe Maguire too, the man's like lightning. Still, I couldn't be too certain, as I welcomed two new players to the club.

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The next day, we were all ready and prepared to face Gateshead here at the Steve Kean Theatre Complex. The match, scheduled for an evening kick-off, was written against us, even though it was a friendly. It was like Oxford all over again. However, just like when the U's visited, we were top notch.



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Our fans roared as Chadwick's delicate finishing led to the ball slithering across the line, but I was just pleased with the entire manner of the goal. The opportunistic nature in which he pounced upon a schoolboy mistake is something that I really admire, and it's something that he's shown time and time again on the training ground.

Just a few days later, we hit the road for our final pre-season friendly. Quite a travel for us, going from Norfolk to Derbyshire in the space of one morning. We didn't pack out a coach either, we instead hired three mini-vans for the travel. We stopped a couple of times to "refresh" (simply put, Coskun eyed up a couple of hot girls on the way and halted the travels to hit on them). Oh, and also Bert had to hop out at one point to piss up a tree. Marshy snapped a pic and put it up on Facebook, got 50 likes in 10 minutes.

When we finally arrived at Heanor, we struggled to find a place to park. It's not that the stadium's car park was packed, they actually don't have a car park. Hell, they don't really even have a stadium. We rode around town for a while before settling ourselves just down the road from a farm.

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In truth, it was a match we should have really won by a bigger margin, but it's not particularly concerning. The team proved that they can be lethal finishers when they want to be, as Maguire showed his blistering pace again, sliding the ball into the net with some superb finesse.

We were very lucky for our penalty to go in, as Phillips scuffed it into the centre, hitting the keeper's foot on the way. Thankfully it was deflected in, and he simply shrugged off a celebration, running back to the centre circle. Malone's goal was some fantastic work, catching onto a goal kick blown far up-field by the wind. With a deft touch, he jinxed forward past two defenders before flicking it up in the air past their goalie, who had been way off his line.

Now we're all set for our first season in the Blue Square South. It's game on, 100% from here-on-out. Let's get it on!







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